Hello world! My name is Hillary and I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been diagnosed with both, but my Anxiety effects everything I do, everyday and I knew doing TMS with Brainsway for the Anxiety Protocol would be better to start with on my TMS journey. So here we go! I am going to be sharing my daily thoughts, feelings, and symptoms I am noticing while doing the Anxiety Protocol.
I am going to be sharing once a week, but break it down day by day so that you are able to really feel like you are following along with me through treatment. I am a firm believer that Mental Health needs to be in the spotlight more, and that through sharing my thoughts here with the world, we can help normalize getting help for mental health issues we struggle with on a daily basis.
I will start by giving you a little introduction as to what makes me anxious, and my triggers for anxiety. Ahh, Anxiety. Such a lovely thing, right? Knowing now what anxiety is, I think I even should have been diagnosed as a kid. I could never sit still, always racing thoughts, and worries about what others thought about me. Still, to this day, those same worries are with me. I can’t ever sit still. I always am fidgeting, always needing to be doing something, anything. It’s sad to say, but Anxiety seems to almost just be a part of me because I have struggled for so long with it. Anxiety for me is being in a room of people I know (or don’t know for that matter) and feeling like you are suffocating because of the stress of someone talking at you, someone looking at you, or someone judging you. I am a pretty confident person, but when you put me in a room with a bunch of people that all seems to fade away as my body temperature rises and my face turns red. My body fills with anxiety and its hard to control. Social anxiety is terrible, and I don’t wish it upon anyone. Pretty much any situation that I am not comfortable in gives me anxiety. Going to the grocery store, going to target (I mean really who does target give anxiety to?) Anxiety for me, is all of those things, but it’s also a-lot of other things. Constant worry of literally anything and everything. My mind always goes to worst case scenario in every situation but I am always prepared if a fight breaks out in the gas station, or always knowing where the closest spot to get away from is. Anxiety for me presents itself daily. I have anxiety about writing a to do list, so I just don’t write it and make note in my head of things I need to do, and then just end up not doing them because doing simple tasks, even checking the mail or doing the dishes seems hard. I have anxiety about staying up too late knowing I will be exhausted the next day while also knowing I want to stay up late and have fun playing PlayStation. I have anxiety about my friends being upset with me, and them thinking I am upset with them about silly things. I look too deeply into all words people say and words that I say to others. I second guess if I said the right thing, and what I would say in that situation if I could do over. I am in a constant anxiety battle with myself, judging the way I am and the way I interact with my world. I am constantly worrying I am a bad mother to my beautiful 9 year old. Anxiety tells me I am a bad wife because I can’t complete normal tasks like a “normal” person can. Anxiety pretty much tells me I am a crappy human.
While all of this may sound harsh, its my reality. Someone that has struggled for so long with anxiety is really good at masking it. I am really good at masking it, so good that sometimes people are shocked when I tell them I struggle with Anxiety, and sometimes people don’t even believe me that I have anxiety because I am so good at hiding such a huge thing that constantly takes over my brain and body. Anxiety is debilitating in my life.
So, that’s what led me to TMS. I have tried numerous medications that haven’t ever really worked the way they are intended to. I have tried therapy, I have tried meditation (please don’t tell someone with anxiety to meditate its exhausting), I’ve tried yoga, going outside, finding new hobbies, everything that I can possibly think of to help my anxiety, including a long list of prescription meds with no real help.
I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to try TMS on the Anxiety Protocol. Truly, this is a last resort kind of thing to hopefully not have to continue living life feeling like Anxiety is pouring out of every last pore of my body. Here’s to HOPE!
