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Hillary here, thanks for reading my entry blog post about my log I am going to be posting weekly! I am excited to share my journey with you all here and hope that you’ll follow along! If you have any specific questions for me, feel free to send them via email through our website and I would be happy to answer them! Without further ado…

Week 1 recount of TMS treatment with the Anxiety Protocol with Brainsway:

Day 1: Going into the first day of treatment my nerves were very high. After all, I’ve been coaching patients through their mental health journey with TMS treatments and I longed for it to be my turn; now it is! I had /have anxiety about getting a treatment for anxiety. You would think after being a TMS Tech at the center here I would be well versed in everything, which I am, but when it comes to yourself its a whole different ball game. Going into treatment as a patient and not a tech is MUCH different. I was nervous, anxious and filled with so many “what if’s?” What if this treatment doesn’t work for me? What if I am one of the percentage of people whom it doesn’t work for? But knowing that I could be part of the large percentage of people it works for, makes it all worth it. Trying to keep a positive outlook on HOPING to feel better, for me, is key.

The first appointment doctor was in to set up my treatment and find my “prescription.” The mapping to find my motor threshold was anything less than comfortable, but tolerable. You have to sit as straight up as possible and resist tension while doctor pushes the cap down onto your head and sends small electromagnetic pulses to find the best location for treatment. Once we found the correct spot, we went on to discover my lowest possible threshold. It’s a weird feeling when your body can’t control small movements in your fingers and face. It’s a strange little twitch. Kind of like when you go to the doctor and they check your reflexes with the rubber tool, that’s the best way I can describe it.

Once everything was set, I braced for treatment to start. The Anxiety protocol is much different than the Depression protocol for TMS. The “thumping” aka. electromagnetic waves for the Anxiety protocol is like a metronome that musicians use. The sound of the waves plus the “air conditioning” that is coming out of the cap is very relaxing. As I sat in the chair for the first few minutes, it truly felt like it wasn’t ever going to end. but as it went on, I felt my body relaxing and my mind zoning on the somewhat relaxing soothe from the air conditioned cap, along with the constant tapping of the electromagnetic waves. Knowing this all will hopefully be worth it and I will feel better after 36 days of treatment, or sooner…I am so lucky to be on this journey to better mental health for myself, and those around me. Here’s to becoming the best version of myself I can truly be.

Day 1 Post-Treatment thoughts:

I didn’t notice anything huge for after effects of treatment. No headache, a little sore on my head for maybe 20 minutes post treatment, then nothing! Notably felt relaxed after treatment and content which is kind of generally unheard of for me to notice that I actually feel relaxed. Looking forward to treatment tomorrow!

Day 2: Went into treatment feeling very optimistic. I didn’t take any ibprofin like I did the first day and I could really tell it felt more strong and somewhat uncomfortable than yesterday when I took 4 ibprofin but I couldn’t even come close to saying it hurts. It’s more of annoying and slightly uncomfortable during treatment with the constant “knocks” on your head. For the Anxiety protocol, it’s much different than for depression. It constantly sends the electromagnetic waves into your brain every two seconds, and the sound resembles a tick-tock-tick-tock. I was surprised by today how it felt without taking any prepratory medications as this was something I was worried about. I don’t plan to take them every day in the future since I don’t seem to need them.

Treatment seems to go MUCH faster when you talk through your treatment or have something to distract you, like a game on your phone, or watching a TV show. I suggest to anyone who is doing TMS to talk to your tech dyring treatment because it really makes the time go by in a blink. Especially if you are doing the anxiety protocol, 11 minutes longer than the major depressive disorder protocol.

Day 2 Post-Treatment thoughts:

I noticed after treatment that my mind just felt “lighter” like there’s almost a weight lifted off my shoulders. It’s a good feeling, I hope it sticks. We will see how the rest of the week goes. No noticed sensitivity on my head after treatment!

Day 3:

I noticed yesterday and today I woke up in a good mood. Which is really unheard of for me. I normally wake up in a bad mood, not wanting to take up or to get out of bed. That’s a HUGE win in my book. Today, treatment felt like it was hitting a higher spot than the previous two treatments, but that’s normal. I also noticed it was much easier to talk through treatment today and be able to not “think” about it as much as while it was going on like the past two days. I also didn’t notice an iron taste in my mouth like during the first two treatments.

Day 3 Post-Treatment thoughts:

I felt really groggy for about an hour or so, after that, I felt very motivated and energized to do anything I wanted to which usually my anxiety prevents me from doing so. Went grocery shopping which caused some anxiety, but it typically does so that doesn’t really surprise me.

It’s not 11:20PM-8 hours post treatment and I feel relaxed and have lots of energy and not ready to fall into my bed for the night like I typically do. I felt the same last night, too! Incredible.

Day 4: Feeling like I am a “normal” person. Did not wake up filled with anxiety about the day and tasks I need to complete. Actually wanting to do things. Treatment was easy today. I noticed that some days treatment seems stronger and others it doesn’t so knowing that sleep and how much or less really makes a difference to sensitivity. Also feeling a bit different during treatment, means my brain is reacting in some way.

Hello world! My name is Hillary and I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been diagnosed with both, but my Anxiety effects everything I do, everyday and I knew doing TMS with Brainsway for the Anxiety Protocol would be better to start with on my TMS journey. So here we go! I am going to be sharing my daily thoughts, feelings, and symptoms I am noticing while doing the Anxiety Protocol.

I am going to be sharing once a week, but break it down day by day so that you are able to really feel like you are following along with me through treatment. I am a firm believer that Mental Health needs to be in the spotlight more, and that through sharing my thoughts here with the world, we can help normalize getting help for mental health issues we struggle with on a daily basis.

I will start by giving you a little introduction as to what makes me anxious, and my triggers for anxiety. Ahh, Anxiety. Such a lovely thing, right? Knowing now what anxiety is, I think I even should have been diagnosed as a kid. I could never sit still, always racing thoughts, and worries about what others thought about me. Still, to this day, those same worries are with me. I can’t ever sit still. I always am fidgeting, always needing to be doing something, anything. It’s sad to say, but Anxiety seems to almost just be a part of me because I have struggled for so long with it. Anxiety for me is being in a room of people I know (or don’t know for that matter) and feeling like you are suffocating because of the stress of someone talking at you, someone looking at you, or someone judging you. I am a pretty confident person, but when you put me in a room with a bunch of people that all seems to fade away as my body temperature rises and my face turns red. My body fills with anxiety and its hard to control. Social anxiety is terrible, and I don’t wish it upon anyone. Pretty much any situation that I am not comfortable in gives me anxiety. Going to the grocery store, going to target (I mean really who does target give anxiety to?) Anxiety for me, is all of those things, but it’s also a-lot of other things. Constant worry of literally anything and everything. My mind always goes to worst case scenario in every situation but I am always prepared if a fight breaks out in the gas station, or always knowing where the closest spot to get away from is. Anxiety for me presents itself daily. I have anxiety about writing a to do list, so I just don’t write it and make note in my head of things I need to do, and then just end up not doing them because doing simple tasks, even checking the mail or doing the dishes seems hard. I have anxiety about staying up too late knowing I will be exhausted the next day while also knowing I want to stay up late and have fun playing PlayStation. I have anxiety about my friends being upset with me, and them thinking I am upset with them about silly things. I look too deeply into all words people say and words that I say to others. I second guess if I said the right thing, and what I would say in that situation if I could do over. I am in a constant anxiety battle with myself, judging the way I am and the way I interact with my world. I am constantly worrying I am a bad mother to my beautiful 9 year old. Anxiety tells me I am a bad wife because I can’t complete normal tasks like a “normal” person can. Anxiety pretty much tells me I am a crappy human.

While all of this may sound harsh, its my reality. Someone that has struggled for so long with anxiety is really good at masking it. I am really good at masking it, so good that sometimes people are shocked when I tell them I struggle with Anxiety, and sometimes people don’t even believe me that I have anxiety because I am so good at hiding such a huge thing that constantly takes over my brain and body. Anxiety is debilitating in my life.

So, that’s what led me to TMS. I have tried numerous medications that haven’t ever really worked the way they are intended to. I have tried therapy, I have tried meditation (please don’t tell someone with anxiety to meditate its exhausting), I’ve tried yoga, going outside, finding new hobbies, everything that I can possibly think of to help my anxiety, including a long list of prescription meds with no real help.

I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am to try TMS on the Anxiety Protocol. Truly, this is a last resort kind of thing to hopefully not have to continue living life feeling like Anxiety is pouring out of every last pore of my body. Here’s to HOPE!